Stuck in the Middle

"Yes, I'm stuck in the middle with you and I'm wondering what it is I should do..." Stealers Wheel

I have become an NPC in my kids lives.  For those of you without a teenage boy NPC stands for Non Player Character.  In a video game these are the equivalent of extras on a movie set.  The scene would be weird without them but they don’t have any lines or roles in the plot development (well except perhaps to be shot at).

I don’t hear a lot of people talking about this age and stage of parenting. 

We all know about the empty nest syndrome but what about the “baby birds want you to bring food back to the nest but just leave it outside their bedroom door because they’re playing online with friends, thanks” syndrome?

It’s not just that they don’t need or want us like they used to, it’s that we also don’t really have the freedom of empty nest ~ aka no kid to feed; make sure is home by curfew; room isn’t a biohazard zone.

Gone are the days of weekends filled with activities as a family but we also can’t just say “Hey, we’re flying to Paris for the weekend” without some serious machinations.

We have time on our hands but no real freedom.

When I first moved to Portugal I was badly in need of a break.  I had been solo parenting two kids and running a hotel business for the past twenty odd years.  It felt like when you’ve been speeding and then you see a cop so you quickly slow down to the speed limit and then can’t believe this is really how slow we’re supposed to drive. 

At first it was great.  Actually, that’s a lie.  I cried – a lot. 

My feelings that I’d been too busy to actually feel all got together and said “Hey, looks like she’s not doing much of late let’s pop up and say hello.” 

My therapist said I was finally grieving my losses.  Apparently, even good things like your daughter successfully going off to college and selling a profitable business are losses that need to be grieved.  Who knew?

Once I stopped crying. I got to do things that I hadn’t had time to do in twenty years.  You know.  Hobbies.  I decided to see what the fuss over golf was all about.  I started to surf.  I knocked down walls in my house.  I should have been ecstatic.  Isn’t that why I had worked so hard all those years: to create enough financial stability to not have to work so hard?

Instead, I keep looking around wondering, “Is this all there is?” “Am I done?”

I then began to wonder if there was something wrong with me.  Everyone else seemed so content with leisurely lunches and hitting white dimpled balls.  Maybe I just don’t know how to “do stability”.  Perhaps, I’m just not ready to be retired.

My case of the “now what’s” feels like I’m on the flat top of a mesa like you see in the American south west.  Life is boring, opps, I meant to say stable.  That should be a good thing, right?

The excitement and also the franticness of my twenty to forties is over.  But in a weird way this gave my life meaning and purpose and something to strive for.  I was building and creating something – it was like my life was a canvas and I was busy adding colors and shapes to it.  It might have been frantic and chaotic but there was at least some meaning to it. At least I think there was… 

Maybe I’ve confused chaos for aliveness.

To be honest I’m glad that phase is over.  I don’t have the energy for it anymore.  I also have a case of the “don’t give a shits”.  I think if I was called into a monthly sales meeting with a bunch of people getting all stressed out about quarterly sales numbers, I might start inappropriately giggling.  Did I really used to take myself and those things so seriously?  Doesn’t everyone know we’re going to die someday?  Oh shit, I’m identifying with the Barbie movie.  I must really be having a crisis.

On the other hand, if I look at my bank account, I don’t really have the freedom to be truly retired.

This break from working has an expiration date.

So, I have some space from intense parenting but not the freedom to do whatever I want.

I have some financial stability to consider my options for making money next but not the assets to be completely done.

I have the energy to still want more from my days than endless leisure but I don’t have the stamina to go back to a 40 hour a week rat race.

How do you answer “Now What?” when you no longer fit into your old life but don’t really have the freedom to craft an entirely new one?

I am stuck in the middle.

Welcome to my crisis.