Do You Want to Be Special or Happy?

Redefining Success in MidLife

Credit:Andrii Zastrozhnov

Do You Want to Be Right, or Married?

A therapist once put me on the spot during a couples session by asking, “Do you want to be right, or do you want to be married?” My immediate response was, of course, “I want to be right—because obviously, I am!” I laughed it off, but the question wasn’t really about who had the better argument. It was about priorities: What matters more—being correct, or maintaining connection in relationship I claimed was important? In other words, do you choose short-term victory or long-term harmony?

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The Hard Truth About Midlife “Peaks”

I’ve been thinking about that old “married or right” dilemma again, this time after reading From Strength to Strength by Arthur Brooks (yes, Arthur—not Albert). It’s an excellent read for anyone navigating midlife, though it delivers some tough news. Citing various studies, Brooks points out that most of us hit our peak cognitive capacities—quick problem-solving, fluid intelligence, and raw mental horsepower—in our late twenties or early thirties.

If you’re like me, you might have assumed your true prime was still on the horizon. Turns out we’ve been sliding down from that peak for a while now. At first, that sounds disheartening. But Brooks also highlights a different kind of intelligence that can thrive once our youthful genius begins to wane: the wisdom and grace of crystallized intelligence.

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From “Special” to “Happy”: The Big Shift

Crystallized intelligence is all about sharing what you’ve learned, mentoring others, and drawing on experience rather than sheer mental speed. That’s encouraging, especially for those of us who still have a lot to offer. But Brooks identifies a stubborn emotional roadblock that keeps many from making the leap:

The need to be special.

Whether we call it being “picked,” singled out, or recognized, a lot of us have built our self-esteem around standing out from the pack. We chase praise, promotions, or the thrill of being the best. This can be hard to let go of, even when our lives (and brains) are telling us it’s time to shift gears.

It’s a bit like the couples-therapy question all over again: Do I want to be special, or do I want to be happy? Our first instinct is to say, “Why can’t I be both?” Of course we can try, but in practice, chasing specialness often turns into long hours, a race to outdo everyone else, and an uneasy sense that we’re only as good as our latest accomplishment. There’s always a younger, shinier hotshot waiting in the wings.

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The “Third Quarter” of Life

So, what can we actually do with this insight? Here’s the interesting part: a lot of people I talk to my age secretly admit they’re tired of chasing the brass ring. It’s not that we’ve lost ambition, but the cost of constantly vying for “most special” has grown heavier.

At the same time, we’re not exactly ready to spend our days hitting golf balls or fading into retirement. That’s where the concept of a “third quarter” of life comes in—a term used by thought leaders like Avivah Wittenberg-Cox. We’re living longer and staying healthier, so we have this extra twenty-five or so years that our parents and grandparents often didn’t. We’re still vital, and we still want to leave a legacy. But we don’t necessarily want to do it in the cutthroat, aggressive way of our early careers.

If we don’t have a plan for this “third quarter,” it can feel disorienting or disheartening. But with a plan—one focused on mentorship, collaboration, and genuine connection—it becomes an incredible opportunity to define success on our own terms, without the exhausting scramble to stand out above everyone else.

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Redefining Success

Arthur Brooks suggests—and I tend to agree—that in midlife, our metric for success needs to change from “What can I achieve for myself?” to something more relational and enduring: How can I help lift others? How can I guide, teach, and create a lasting impact that’s measured less by applause and more by the difference I make in people’s lives?

This doesn’t mean giving up on ambition or excellence. It means recalibrating them. Instead of competing with the new wave of go-getters, we get to harness our hard-earned wisdom. We focus less on climbing our own mountain and more on helping others reach their peaks. It’s still an achievement—but it’s a different flavor, one that’s more sustainable and, quite honestly, more fulfilling for many of us.

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Choosing Happiness Over “Special”

If you find yourself inwardly relieved at the thought of easing off the brass-ring treadmill, you’re not alone. You’re not giving up; you’re simply redefining success to match who you are now. This stage of life isn’t about coasting; it’s about channeling your energy into what truly matters: real relationships, mentorship, and creating something lasting that isn’t dependent on your own spotlight.

So the next time you catch yourself worried about losing the “special” label, remember that sometimes you do have to choose—special or happy. And it’s not all doom and gloom when you pick happiness. This new chapter, this “third quarter,” can be one of profound impact and joy, especially when you’re no longer ruled by the need to prove you’re on top. Embrace the wisdom you’ve earned, nurture the connections you’ve built, and discover that your greatest legacy might come from who you lift up, not whom you outrun.

(P.S. I previously looked at the need to be picked and special — and Arthur Brooks’s framing still resonates each time I question which path I want to follow. Maybe it will for you, too.)

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Thanks for reading!

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