I, Thou and We

the glue that binds us

Photo by Nathan Dumlao on Unsplash

There are a lot of theories about why June is such a popular month for weddings.

My favorite is that it was annual bathing month - when it was finally warm enough in the Northern hemisphere for your annual - yes, you read that correctly - annual bath.

It makes you wonder how married people could stand to be near each other let alone sleep together the other eleven months of the year.

I am sure we’re all glad for the invention of modern plumbing and hygiene but bathing habits aside the basic conundrum remains: why do any of us set aside our selfish desires and preferences to endure the compromises required to couple with an other?

After all, for any partnership to work there is inevitably a compromising of what we’d selfishly do or want for ourselves if we had no one else to consider.

The question is how much is enough and when is it too much?

Maybe there exists some rare unicorn couple that is so perfectly aligned that the We requires no sacrifice from either the I or Thou.

Toilet paper hung the proper way? Check (Over the top of course)

Toothpaste squeezed properly? Check (From the bottom obviously)

Bedroom temperature approaching artic degrees? Check

For the rest of us mere mortals the struggle is real. When does one bend the knee of personal wants in service of the We and when is it just too much?

Obviously, if I could solve this dilemma - come up with some Unified Field Theory of Relational Compromise - I would not only be insanely rich but also put the entire divorce industry out of business.

It’s not easy is it? To define the magical formula. Yet, we all know when we repeatedly feel unconsidered or like we’re doing all the giving and we’ve also felt the sweetness of relational give and take. In between those two extremes is an awkward dance of sorts with all of the expected stepping on toes.

Photo by Tim Mossholder on Unsplash

I think one thing that helps is when the We serves some greater purpose than the I and Thou could achieve on their own. That way when the snoring begins, or the cupboard doors are left open again we can remind ourselves that the 2% of “drive us crazy” is being offset by the 98% of “I couldn’t do this without you”.

It’s not surprising then that many couples break up not in the insane and difficult child raising and building financial stability years (yes, I know who actually has time for a divorce then) but rather after the kids leave; or when you actually have enough assets to really make a lawyer rich.

Couples will claim “we just grew apart” or “we had nothing to talk about after the kids left. I wonder if it’s actually more accurate to say they lost their “why”? The We no longer served anything which made it easier for the I and Thou to endure the hundred paper cuts of frustration and disappointment that all relationships endure.

A We is it’s own entity. It has needs and wants and requirements to keep it healthy and vital just like a person does. The question is are both partners tending to what the We needs to thrive more than their own individual pursuits? When faced with the choice to stay for the extra drink or flirt with the cute guy at work can we stop and ask ourselves if this is in the best interest of the We. Will the We be stronger or weaker based on our choices?

It was certainly simpler in the past when religion and legal strictures didn’t give us any easy outs. Back then you had no choice but to live with your dirty, smelly, flea infested spouse for eleven months of the year. Heck, without Uber Eats we needed each other more back then - the We was necessary for survival.

Monkeys picking fleas off each other

Our world of easy outs means we need to be more intentional - more considered in the care and feeding of our We’s. That doesn’t make it any easier.

Yet, there is something that still compels us to couple, to which every June is a testament. While it’s definitely easier to exist in our selfish I and Thou silos - never compromising - never having to subsume our preferences for another’s - at the end of the day most of us feel more at home in the We. We are compelled to it with all it’s messiness and struggle.

So, the next time you’re wondering if it’s all really worth it - try to get in touch with your Why for coupling - and then maybe check in with your We to see how it’s doing. Be grateful for an abundance of bath water and while you’re at it you might as well do a flea check for good measure.

Medieval Stone Bathtub

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