And for the backpacking couples among us "Back then you had no choice but to live with your dirty, smelly, flea infested spouse for eleven months of the year. " (Well not 11 months, but a weekend or week? LOL).
It seems to me (in a committed relationship for 32 years now) that the "we" can only flourish when both the "I's" flourish. In digging deep and tending to relationship ruptures with great attention, I have discovered it is in the knowing and the unknowing that the possibilities live. When we think we "know" the other, we are wrong as they are evolving humans just like I am.
This is a lovely piece, although, toilet paper definitely bottom !
Beautifully said Paula and yes the I and Thou need to flourish and be enriched by the We or the whole thing breaks down. That's the interesting question isn't it - am I made better by this union or diminished... I'll overlook your TP preference given how cool you are in every other aspect LOL.
My thought on the divorce after the kids are grown is that it's a function of habit, where your life has spent years just going through motions because so much of what you do is centered around the kids, or grounded because of them, and you just put your love life on a sort of cruise control. You're comfortable around each other, you're going through all the same motions you've gone through for years, all with the focus on the kids and the family...and lose sight of that initial source of passion, mystery, fun....just life... with your partner. Certainly as you've aged maybe you can no longer do those activities you enjoyed when you first got together, or you've had to move away from them, who knows...but without intentionality on just the two of you, it becomes incredibly hard.
Add to that changes in life directions....new interests or passions for just one of you, plus the acceleration perhaps of communication habits (or lack thereof) for the other if not both, and suddenly it's incredibly difficult, or stressful, or boring, etc.
Either way, it doesn't need to be, but is so obviously and frequently the case.
As an aside, one thing I have learned over the past several months of my journey in this realm is that men really need to be taught growing up that it's ok to emotionally bond with other men, to be vulnerable with friends, to open up, support each other the way we see women so naturally doing it. I have talked with countless men and the stories are all so similar...we create isolated, and at times lonely lives because taught that boys don't cry, suck it up, etc. Conversely, more women need to be aware of this dynamic of man, not as an excuse by any means, but as a source of understanding the isolation we inadvertently create for ourselves, and the added emotional stress/pressure it puts on us. What might look like anger or brooding, is likely just us boiling over with no natural outlet. It hurts us....but we're "alone"....so it just gets worse.
And thank you for providing the right response on toilet paper hanging. That might have been a subscription deal killer had you gotten that one wrong. Whew.
Yes as the mother of a son on several occasions I had to get in other men's faces when they told my son to not cry or be a man. Real men do cry but this was in the 2010's - and I still had to defend against that sentiment - in the 80's when you were growing up it was much worse. I highly highly recommend the Mankind Project. Men need other Men to support them on this journey to wholeness.
Agreed. My hope is that much like young men are (finally) being raised to honor women and treat them equally, I would hope that young women are or will start to be raised to realize that there can oftentimes be a lot of inner conflict within men. Not necessarily because of issues stemming from our childhood, but oftentimes because of "societal standards" or how we perceive them...that we are to be the providers, the protectors, the steadfast leaders....and what we are not shown often enough is that it's ok to express fears, have doubts, etc.
That said, as I type this, I think of a few men around me that seem to be more balanced than I....so maybe its a function of some parents get it, or naturally demonstrate it in their homes around their kids, and others do/did not.
Maybe I just need to take a few extra stones to Camino. :D
Reading through this made me laugh and cringe in the same breath.
Oh the shit we do for the "we"...
Keeping it light n' fluffy, I'll offer up this ode to a lost cause:
_______________
YOU ‘N ME
WEZ A PAIR…
FIGHTING
GNASHING
STUMBLING BUMBLING
N’ SPEAKING OUR TERRIBLE MINDS
LAUGHING
GIGGLING
TICKLING GROPING
N’ GOOSING EACHOTHER’S BEHINDS
FOR ALL THE DOLDRUMS N’ HOLDRUMS
THE CRAZINESS N’ CLASHES
If I look real hard I can see,
IN THE END I GOT NO BETTER FRIEND
‘CAUSE WEZ A PAIR…
YOU ‘N ME
____________________
With that I'm going to crack open another bottle of red and drown myself in my tattered copy of "Love is a Dog from Hell". Argh.
Oh, but I do love your writing.. :P
I LOVE Ode to a lost cause - you did in a poem what I had to take 500 word to say!
And for the backpacking couples among us "Back then you had no choice but to live with your dirty, smelly, flea infested spouse for eleven months of the year. " (Well not 11 months, but a weekend or week? LOL).
It seems to me (in a committed relationship for 32 years now) that the "we" can only flourish when both the "I's" flourish. In digging deep and tending to relationship ruptures with great attention, I have discovered it is in the knowing and the unknowing that the possibilities live. When we think we "know" the other, we are wrong as they are evolving humans just like I am.
This is a lovely piece, although, toilet paper definitely bottom !
Beautifully said Paula and yes the I and Thou need to flourish and be enriched by the We or the whole thing breaks down. That's the interesting question isn't it - am I made better by this union or diminished... I'll overlook your TP preference given how cool you are in every other aspect LOL.
My thought on the divorce after the kids are grown is that it's a function of habit, where your life has spent years just going through motions because so much of what you do is centered around the kids, or grounded because of them, and you just put your love life on a sort of cruise control. You're comfortable around each other, you're going through all the same motions you've gone through for years, all with the focus on the kids and the family...and lose sight of that initial source of passion, mystery, fun....just life... with your partner. Certainly as you've aged maybe you can no longer do those activities you enjoyed when you first got together, or you've had to move away from them, who knows...but without intentionality on just the two of you, it becomes incredibly hard.
Add to that changes in life directions....new interests or passions for just one of you, plus the acceleration perhaps of communication habits (or lack thereof) for the other if not both, and suddenly it's incredibly difficult, or stressful, or boring, etc.
Either way, it doesn't need to be, but is so obviously and frequently the case.
As an aside, one thing I have learned over the past several months of my journey in this realm is that men really need to be taught growing up that it's ok to emotionally bond with other men, to be vulnerable with friends, to open up, support each other the way we see women so naturally doing it. I have talked with countless men and the stories are all so similar...we create isolated, and at times lonely lives because taught that boys don't cry, suck it up, etc. Conversely, more women need to be aware of this dynamic of man, not as an excuse by any means, but as a source of understanding the isolation we inadvertently create for ourselves, and the added emotional stress/pressure it puts on us. What might look like anger or brooding, is likely just us boiling over with no natural outlet. It hurts us....but we're "alone"....so it just gets worse.
And thank you for providing the right response on toilet paper hanging. That might have been a subscription deal killer had you gotten that one wrong. Whew.
Yes as the mother of a son on several occasions I had to get in other men's faces when they told my son to not cry or be a man. Real men do cry but this was in the 2010's - and I still had to defend against that sentiment - in the 80's when you were growing up it was much worse. I highly highly recommend the Mankind Project. Men need other Men to support them on this journey to wholeness.
Agreed. My hope is that much like young men are (finally) being raised to honor women and treat them equally, I would hope that young women are or will start to be raised to realize that there can oftentimes be a lot of inner conflict within men. Not necessarily because of issues stemming from our childhood, but oftentimes because of "societal standards" or how we perceive them...that we are to be the providers, the protectors, the steadfast leaders....and what we are not shown often enough is that it's ok to express fears, have doubts, etc.
That said, as I type this, I think of a few men around me that seem to be more balanced than I....so maybe its a function of some parents get it, or naturally demonstrate it in their homes around their kids, and others do/did not.
Maybe I just need to take a few extra stones to Camino. :D
Too bad one can’t take a wheelbarrow on the Camino some of us could fill it 😂