Possibility vs Reality

My Love Hate Relationship with the Serenity Prayer

My daughter, who is also a subscriber, told me that my last few posts were too dark and heavy. “You need to write one of your funny one’s, Mom.”

It was good advice…. and I tried, dear gentle reader, I really did.

Unfortunately, I’m in a bit of a dark hole wrestling with the future and I’m not sure I’m winning. Levity is eluding me, I’m afraid.

I will, however, throw you a joke just to offer a bit of amusement on this hump day:

“What do you get when you cross an elephant with a rhino?”

Wait for it…

“El - if - I - know.”

Get it? Eleph-ino.”

Ok, back to more serious matters.

I have been struggling with the age-old dilemma of when to exert energy to change things and when to accept and let go.

Another way of phrasing this would be - when is it good to see the potential and opportunities in people, places and things and when is it saner to accept “it is what it is?”

I tend to be of the “see potential and then beat the future into submission” school of life. I must come from a long line of rebels, renegades and explorers…. individuals for whom discontent is fuel for possibility.

What I’m not so good at is accepting limitations… otherwise known as reality. Maybe I’m just descended from a line of stupid stubborn people.

Byron Katie, has a saying that “when I argue with reality, I lose but only 100% of the time.”

I don’t like those odds, yet I rarely concede the fight.

Twelve Step circles have a prayer for this: the Serenity prayer:

“(Insert whatever concept of god / universe works for you), grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference.”

Sounds both simple and profound, right?

It’s the last line that always trips me up. When is it time for courage and when is it time for acceptance?

I wish I had an easy answer for you. Perhaps that’s why it’s called a prayer - not because you need to believe in a god or higher power, but because if it was simple we wouldn’t need to pray to figure it out.

When we ask to be granted something it means we don’t already have the means and ability to attain it for ourselves. I, personally, could use some magic juju.

“When I argue with reality, I lose but only 100% of the time.” Byron Katie

I finally came to some peace with the “serenity prayer conundrum” by reframing the word acceptance. If we take this verb, as it is commonly used to mean “agree to or make ok”, then acceptance doesn’t feel very good. No one should make ok things that are not ok. Acceptance shouldn’t leave us stuck in situations that don’t really work for us.

However, the Latin root of acceptance actually means to take - as in “I accept your apology” - I am willing to take it.

Used this way acceptance really just means taking in all the facts of our situations without adding any fantasy to them: seeing the “what is” without getting distracted by the “what might be.”

For example, if you have a friend that consistently acts a certain way, and you’ve asked them repeatedly to change (courage) then the sane thing to do (acceptance) is to expect them to act the same in the future.

That may sound obvious, but I for one have an inexhaustible ability to expect people to act differently than they consistently have in the past.

“The best predictor of future behavior is past behavior.” Albert Elis

The irony is that when we accept reality, we have a much better opportunity to make decisions with a solid foundation. Who knew that reality can be quite useful in this regard?

Now I try to ask myself:

“If nothing about this person, place, or circumstance changes can I be ok with it?

“What is the best option given the limitations in front of me?”

“What do I need to do to take care of myself given the reality of the situation?”

There is always possibility and potential if we have courage, but first, we need to stop fighting what is.