For me, it's not so much "afraid to feel" as much as "needing to learn to find comfort in feeling" vulnerability. Men, or at least me, were raised to feel like we're the protectors, the providers, the anchor/rock in the relationships. As such, it means we can't show weakness or vulnerabilities, fear or the like. Rather, we just learn to keep those suppressed and it slowly eats away at us, and eventually, ironically, our relationships that we are protecting. It's a basic tenant of communication, that outward expression of care, concern, compassion and sharing our hopes, dreams and fears with others...and yet it also can be so daunting for some of us.
And I envy you on some level with your comfort in loneliness. It's a skill I am having to learn, or re-learn, in real time right now...and I can't say that I am a fan of it. I am wired to be social, to be connected to people around me. So my time in isolation is quite the learning experience for me. Wait, is that a second for me??
Wait - what? Are you telling me there might not be a trophy or a cape?!? But seriously good point that it is often out need to fix and attend to our discomfort with someone else’s feelings that leads to advice giving. That said I do think it’s an interesting question - why do people stay stuck in situations that are clearly making them unhappy (nail in head)? Is it more compassionate to listen and empathize or to tell them - yo - you have a nail in your head? #askingforafriend
The facilitators of my initial coach training at Coach U showed us this video. The message we took was that people don't really want advice (even when that's exactly what they ask for, and if we're not coaching them we're wise to give them that advice anyway because don't be a jerk.)
What we really want is to feel seen, at least at first. And we really want to feel seen (a lot).
As far as my experience in formal non-directive (read: no advice) coaching, I've clocked 150 hours, and been in countless training Zooms. Despite this humble log of experience, I spend most of my energy in coaching sessions ignoring about 5-million thoughts that sound like: "Oh, I know what's going on. You know what you need to dooo?"
This experience is like the task of ignoring thoughts in meditation. It mostly feels like failing.
My point is that humans (all genders) are wired to give advice when someone flags that they're in pain. It would be a pure and beautiful fact if it wasn't so burdened with our self-serving desire to be right and know all the things.
Like, where's my cape, man? And my trophy. There's a trophy, right? Well just the cape then.
But to your point, it may be about fear of feeling. I know people that seem to shop their surface feelings about, sharing their story and asking for advice from multiple people. It seems to be a kind of casual crowd sourcing of both emotional support and advice trends. That or they're just looking for confirmation of what they were going to do anyway. Heck. I don't really know. I am not an analyst.
Anyway. Funny video. Cheers for the share and your thoughts.
This is inspiration. I've always been a verbal woman. Have often wondered if it's from childhood insecurities or being a musician from the age of 5 which taught me that everything in life is processed through the ears. Your piece today piggy backs on a conversation hubby and i had a couple weeks ago. He's like you.... 99.9% internal figuring things out. It would be nice to develop some of that, and neuro-science tells us it's never to late to create new neural pathways. Gonna try doing a little bit more internal self-reliance..... not letting go of verbal, just wanting to build more of the internal. Thank you for the healthy inspiration!
Yes and I have - gasp - had to work on sharing my process with beloveds or they can feel my absence and don’t feel as close to me - may we both find a balance and new neural pathways
Maureen, this is an excellent post. I'm someone who wears my emotions on my sleeve, so I often need to vent, or cry, about things. Then I feel better and can work on solving the problem at hand. I loved the video -- very funny and so much truth.
For me, it's not so much "afraid to feel" as much as "needing to learn to find comfort in feeling" vulnerability. Men, or at least me, were raised to feel like we're the protectors, the providers, the anchor/rock in the relationships. As such, it means we can't show weakness or vulnerabilities, fear or the like. Rather, we just learn to keep those suppressed and it slowly eats away at us, and eventually, ironically, our relationships that we are protecting. It's a basic tenant of communication, that outward expression of care, concern, compassion and sharing our hopes, dreams and fears with others...and yet it also can be so daunting for some of us.
And I envy you on some level with your comfort in loneliness. It's a skill I am having to learn, or re-learn, in real time right now...and I can't say that I am a fan of it. I am wired to be social, to be connected to people around me. So my time in isolation is quite the learning experience for me. Wait, is that a second for me??
Wait - what? Are you telling me there might not be a trophy or a cape?!? But seriously good point that it is often out need to fix and attend to our discomfort with someone else’s feelings that leads to advice giving. That said I do think it’s an interesting question - why do people stay stuck in situations that are clearly making them unhappy (nail in head)? Is it more compassionate to listen and empathize or to tell them - yo - you have a nail in your head? #askingforafriend
The facilitators of my initial coach training at Coach U showed us this video. The message we took was that people don't really want advice (even when that's exactly what they ask for, and if we're not coaching them we're wise to give them that advice anyway because don't be a jerk.)
What we really want is to feel seen, at least at first. And we really want to feel seen (a lot).
As far as my experience in formal non-directive (read: no advice) coaching, I've clocked 150 hours, and been in countless training Zooms. Despite this humble log of experience, I spend most of my energy in coaching sessions ignoring about 5-million thoughts that sound like: "Oh, I know what's going on. You know what you need to dooo?"
This experience is like the task of ignoring thoughts in meditation. It mostly feels like failing.
My point is that humans (all genders) are wired to give advice when someone flags that they're in pain. It would be a pure and beautiful fact if it wasn't so burdened with our self-serving desire to be right and know all the things.
Like, where's my cape, man? And my trophy. There's a trophy, right? Well just the cape then.
But to your point, it may be about fear of feeling. I know people that seem to shop their surface feelings about, sharing their story and asking for advice from multiple people. It seems to be a kind of casual crowd sourcing of both emotional support and advice trends. That or they're just looking for confirmation of what they were going to do anyway. Heck. I don't really know. I am not an analyst.
Anyway. Funny video. Cheers for the share and your thoughts.
This is inspiration. I've always been a verbal woman. Have often wondered if it's from childhood insecurities or being a musician from the age of 5 which taught me that everything in life is processed through the ears. Your piece today piggy backs on a conversation hubby and i had a couple weeks ago. He's like you.... 99.9% internal figuring things out. It would be nice to develop some of that, and neuro-science tells us it's never to late to create new neural pathways. Gonna try doing a little bit more internal self-reliance..... not letting go of verbal, just wanting to build more of the internal. Thank you for the healthy inspiration!
Yes and I have - gasp - had to work on sharing my process with beloveds or they can feel my absence and don’t feel as close to me - may we both find a balance and new neural pathways
The YouTube vid was too funny. Good post!
Thanks - it still cracks me up and I know the “punch line” 😂
Maureen, this is an excellent post. I'm someone who wears my emotions on my sleeve, so I often need to vent, or cry, about things. Then I feel better and can work on solving the problem at hand. I loved the video -- very funny and so much truth.
Im glad it resonated Beth - hugs to you 🙏🏻