What Maslow Got Wrong
for the part of you that never feels safe
This time last year my son was in the hospital for five days here in Portugal.
He had a case of mono so severe that his tonsils inflamed to the point that they were threatening his airway.
It’s always terrifying to have a child need hospitalization. I’d offer it’s worse in a foreign country where you have to navigate an unfamiliar system in a language you are still learning.
Even Google translate struggled with things like “He needs a new IV.”
“No Google, not quatro, that isn’t the roman numeral four.”
“No Google, not hera, he doesn’t need a new climbing vine for Christ sakes.”
It didn’t help that the day Max was admitted a child died in the pediatric ward because the hospital was understaffed for the number of patients.
Max at least had drugs - I didn’t sleep for five days.
Anyone who has been through anything similar for themself or a loved one will appreciate Maslow’s hierarchy of needs. When our basic needs like our safety and security are at risk none of the other stuff we worry about matters.
Midlife crisis? Purpose and meaning? Who gives a shit please just let my kid be well again.
I had never thought about the inverse of this however until I read Jessica Dore’s book Tarot for Change. One doesn’t read it per se but it’s one of those desert island books for me that I consult regularly.
Her brilliant interpretation of the Three of Wands offers that if the worst thing you’re struggling with is your meaning and purpose then ipso facto it must mean that you have a degree of foundational safety in your life so life can’t be all bad and you should take the win.
I’ve thought about that often when I’ve had severe moments of anxiety - my three amigos as I called them - fear, anxiety and dread that like to show up uninvited. Almost like a mantra I would run through a check list in my head:
Do I have a roof over my head - check
Is there ample food in the fridge - check
Am I safe in a comfortable bed - check.
I’d like to say it helps - check listing my way to mental health and inner peace - but it doesn’t.
Too bad another “NYT bestselling book idea down the drain.”
I brought this up with my therapist once.
She always starts the sessions asking me what I want for myself.
My reply is usually some version of “help me make these yucky feelings go away and never come back.”
I should probably fire her because she usually does the exact opposite of what I’ve asked for and instead uses some jedi mind trick to make me feel the exact thing I’m trying to expunge.
I asked her once why when all my basic Maslowian needs are in place do I feel so unsafe at times?
That’s when she dropped the thought bomb - “Could it be that this is how you felt as a child? That even though you weren’t homeless and there was always food on the table you somehow always felt deeply unsafe?”
Fuck. (And yes, I used that word with her.)
“But that was then, and this is now!” I protested.
“Yes, but your child self doesn’t know that,” she gently explained. “Child consciousness is always stuck in the past and at a certain age.”
“Well, how do we make her grow up?” I demanded.
“Oh, Maureen, we wouldn’t do that to your inner child. We wouldn’t tell her to stop being scared and to grow up, would we?”
If you’ve ever been in therapy you’ve had those moments where you know the “right” answer: (to be read in a saccharine voice) “Oh no, we’d never do that to her - we’ll comfort her and tell her it’s all ok and we love her especially when she’s irrationally scared” and our truthful answer, “Yeah, look we’ve got fifteen minutes left in this session and I’m over this anxiety shit so can we tell her to put on her big girl pants and get on with it.”
I’m pretty sure I’ve paid for my therapist’s new house at this stage.
So, here’s the thing, Maslow makes our actualization look like a linear process - it’s depicted as a goddamn pyramid after all - but it’s not.
Your adult self might be working on your purpose and meaning in life but another part of you might be worried that everything will come crashing down around you and you’ll lose it all.
Yet another part of you might be wondering how despite all your success you still feel like the awkward teenager you were that didn’t quite fit in or know how to talk to the opposite sex.
I’d suggest that it’s not a linear pyramid but a concurrent and multi-dimensional process.
We have all those needs all the time and different parts of us remember what it was like when those needs weren’t met. Those parts are still scanning the environment on high alert to protect us in case history repeats itself.
Psychological healing is not a video game that allows you to seamlessly progress to the next level as you acquire life skills and gain points.
In fact, it’s more like a board game.
Where even though you might be making progress in certain areas and you're doing ok you never know when you’ll land on one of those lousy spaces that sends you back down the ladder to begin again.
Relate to this post? Know someone else that needs to read this today? You can gift them a subscription. It’s free for both of you. How cool is that?
Very insightful!! When is someone going to hire you to write editorials for the Times or the Post?
And brings to mind how i wish someone would write a book that flows in the opposite direction of soooooooooooo many of our reductionist adages that actually can be harmful because they become imbedded in our psyches..... "can't teach an old dog new tricks" (why would we want to limit ourselves with this negativity?) "the grass is always greener" (why would we want to be so pessamistic?) etc....etc....... Of course i understand the simplistic messages in the observations, and i say them, but i also find so many of them are limiting.
Will your therapist read this? :D........ that section sparked laughter.
And agreed with another commenter here in the comments section, thank goodness Max came through all that illness mess with flying colors.
Wonderful and perceptive, Maureen. You have a definite gift for writing and if I had even a little room in my budget, I would upgrade to a paid subscription. Maybe...my book will somehow get published and my budget will be more forgiving. I don't have the tech skills to self-publish or the literary contacts I need to support me; so I'm working on finishing it--then learning how to publish it.